Ironically...


the song i uploaded (katharine mcphee's over it), actually came before the actual incident.

hah.

how's that for spooky. did i predict this was going to happen on some subconcious level?

who knows?

Thank YOU for the concerned email.

I didn't want to tell you this happened becos of all the things i mentioned in the email.

Yes, my eyes are swollen.

A mixture of sleeplessness + crying + studying for my Arabic midterm.

Don't worry.

I've weathered worse things in life.

This is nothing.

I know i'll have the last laugh in the end.


That wasn't very nice of you to have said all those things to me. You're accusations are really unfair. But don't worry, i won't harbour any ill-feeling towards you


I really don't have time to deal with this.

I have an assignment due next week, a final exam next week as well and my final papers are in less than 2 weeks time.


Please God, give me the strength so that i can pull through this tough time. Amin.


This weekend's trip back home will be bittersweet.

My parents will be leaving for their umrah.

Something that struck me when my father mentioned this last saturday:


this pilgrimage ur mother and i are taking has many lessons which you can learn from. The most important lesson of all is that your parents won't always be around with you. This is the time that you learn to conduct yourselves with your brothers and sisters.


It rings true.

I'm going to miss them. A lot.

But i know that they'll pray for me when i have to take my final two papers.

I pray for your safe journey to the Holy Land, and your safe return to the arms of your family. Amin.


I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH!


Fin.

Riddle me this...


Because the finality of it hurts me.

Because i keep feeling that this is so surreal.

But whatever happens, it happens for a reason.


Because we were not meant for each other.


Thanks for all those that rallied around me during this time of hardship

I admit the timing isn't great at all.

But at least i know that i'll emerge a stronger person.

Thank you once again.

I love you guys a lot.


Fin.

Bewildered.


That's the feeling of the moment.

This week has truly been a test.

It still is.

Till i rectify the problem i will still be feeling like this.

But it doesn't just affect me on THAT level, but its also got to do with something that will be happening tonight.

I love my friends here.

Nothing can change that.

They've seen me through all my crazy moments and helping me feel NOT so homesick.

I love you guys so much!

Tonight is my farewell (graduation programme).

Tonight i share the spotlight with my fellow compadres who have seen me from my 1st year.

The good, the bad and the ugly.

I remember going for my first farewell programme.

And i couldn't help but think: When is my turn coming?

Now that it is truly here, i really don't want to leave.

I remember initially having so much anxiety leaving home.

Compared to the rest in my batch, i felt that i was truly leaving my comfort zone because i literally knew NO ONE.

I was terrified.

To make things worse, i was the pioneer singaporean student taking the english degree programme at IIUM.

So when i entered my english classes, i was like a fish out of water.

I remember feeling like turning back and running through the door.

I left my home, i left ALL my friends and i left my comfort zone.

Everything i knew was back home.

And, to make things even MORE worse, I was the only one from my batch that was thrown to the hostel on the hill.

So i was literally an island by myself.

I am by nature a person who RESENTS change like the plague.

But as time flew by, and i got to know some people from my course, i felt much better.

Going to classes were no longer a chore.

Seeing familiar faces especially Firah (i owe u many, many thanks) made the time spent here much more bearable.

I. LOVE. Going to my lectures.

The lecturers i will definitely miss.

I am going to miss Mr. Colonial, Dr. Adrian Hare (the man that stumbled on my blog. Eeeekk!), Kak Mei, Kak TJ, Ms. Afifah, Dr. Subra, Dr. Faridah, Dr. Engku and all the other lecturers that taught me.

This was the learning journey that will last a lifetime and hopefully an ETERNITY.

So now that I'm graduating, change seems to loom its frightening face at me again on the horizon.

But i guess after being here, I'm confident that i will be able to fight the waves of nausea and anxiety (not forgetting tears) that will bring me to my next journey in life.

I am going to promise myself not to cry tonight.

But then, promises can sometimes be broken.

Especially in emotional times.

Must not forget to pack the tissues tonight.


So remember kids: Be careful for what you wish for because you might really get it and you'll be caught unaware.


So, today marks 26 more days of my undergraduate life here in IIUM.

This is not goodbye.

Merely farewell.

For all my family and friends, thanks for being supportive and always challenging me to do better.

I don't think i could have gotten through this without your love and support. Thanks.


Fin.

Its out in the open now.


No more hiding already.

She spilt it.

Honestly, she kept it in for quite a long time oredi.

She burst like a dam.

I read her like a book.

It doesnt just work the other way. It works both ways.

Right now, i feel terrified.

I feel like having the ground swallow me.

I'd be lying if i said i was okay.

I'm NOT.

I really am NOT.

im scared and sad.

sad to find out that everyone isn't behind me.

i know everyone wants what's best for me.

but really, i don't know whats happiness anymore.

i dunno whether its my happiness or its their happiness that i'm looking for.

no one's good enough for them i guess.

im afraid of losing my happiness.


Fin.

The Balik Kampung Experience.

I am exhausted.

I don't know how my grandparents do it.

But they do.

God only knows what kinds of activities they do when I'M not around.

My grandmother attempted to change the ropes to the blinds and climbed up a ladder.

-Shudder-

Other than that, they just enjoy the kampung lfestyle.

Go kenduri here and there, baca doa selamat, baca yasin...etc,etc.

Me and my cousin would have just been content to stay indoors and just watch tv the whole day.

But Akademi Fantasia took up like 3 hours on saturday night so that pretty much filled up the quota.

So last weekend, i encountered the strangest looking animal at my grandparent's house.

I saw a chicken without its tail feathers. And this gave the illusion that the chicken didn't have a butt.

HAH!

I was so amused.

Unfortunately i didn't snap a photo. It didn't occur to me to take a photo.

So im sorry that you wont get to see that sight hahaha.

But there are photos of my grandma's lambs.

There were 2 new babies.

And they were so damn cute!

I'll let the photos do the rest.

Say "cheese!"

My grandma and cousin, Amira (my sister's partner in crime)

Fin.

All Fevered Out.


Back in kampung sikai.

I started feeling a bit under the weather as of yesterday.

And things just kept getting worse as the day progressed.

My throat got scratchy.

I had a really² high fever.

It was only at 7.30pm did my fever break.

I was delirious.

So you can imagine how bad of a state i was in.

My friend says that my antibodies are weak. and i need plenty of rest.

Rest i like.

I could fall asleep at any point of the day.

Right now, i might just fall asleep at the computer.

Goodnight people.

Fin.

Hurrah!


After an excruciatingly long wait...

I got my last result for last semester's papers.

Alhamdullillah!

You can't even being to imagine how ecstatic i am to see that my cgpa has risen.

Tak sia-sia gi class 8.30am and duduk kat depan.

Heheh, dptkan berkat.

I have my grandparents here today.

They spent the night at my house and it was nice to have my grandfather boss my sister around.

It was definitely a nice change.

Anyway, i will have to make my way down to IMM to get my ex-roomies those retractable poles to hang their curtains up.

I really pity them cos their room has an unpleasant view of the construction site.

Im glad to have gotten the same room again.

Have a good weekend!


Fin.

Denial.


Yes. I am home.

Why?

Cos on the 26th of april it was designated the coronation day.

Therefore public holiday for us.

And i took the opportunity to ponteng my class on friday.

Hoho.

Mc-lah...

Why am i in denial you might ask?

Because it has finally sunk in.

Yes, like Duchess once mentioned:

Yeah, one day then you'll know what it feels like to be a biiig kakak.

People are calling me kak Mary these days.

I can't believe that Anuar called me 'Kak'.

Which was why i purposely didn't respond when he called me kak to share some of his mentos.

Hohoho.

I love coming home.

Cos that means that i get to see the love.

I missed him so much!

Cos i haven't seen him since last thursday.

Tomorrow must meet him for a quick lunch before friday prayers.

On the menu tomorrow...LAKSA!

Yum.

Did i mention i got locked out from my room last night when i got home.

The sister wanted to keep my brothers out and didnt count on me coming back so soon.

So i got a crick in the neck cos i had to sleep in the living room, on the floor on a very uncomfortable little pillow.

So tonight i'll get some proper shut eye.

Good night.


Fin.

49 Long Days


I have this feeling that this semester is going to be a LOOOOONNNGGG one.

I should say that ONE of the lecturers is not being very receptive to students from my programme.

I don't understand why he had to do that.

I didn't think it was completely necessary.

I somehow feel insulted.

But then again he may have his reasons.

But i didn't ask to take that class okay.

It was forced upon me.

-Sigh-

Am i obsessed with the English languge?

Is it my fault that my parents taught me how to speak English first and not Malay as it should have been?

Why am i more fluent in English then?

So is it my fault that i am able to comfortably understand and express myself in this language?

Is it even a bad thing?

Then if he did mean to say all that, what about all our other Muslim brothers and sisters from other parts of the world that learn and come to understand the faith better in their own language?

I can't even understand religious books in Malay.

Aaaaarrrggghhh!

Why is it now that seeds of self-doubt seem to be sown?

Was it a mistake in the beginning to take this course at all?

I feel like im going to come down with my second panic attack of the week.

And possibly the semester.

And its not going to stop here either.


Fin.

Report Card Day


Gone are the days that i had to show my parents my report card to get it signed.

These days, i print them out and decide that whether i should show my parents.

*Fat hope*

Ouh well, at least the results show the amount of effort that i've continuously put in.

And alhamdullillah, i passed arabic with a respectable B-!

And amazingly i gained an A for my LE 4000. Considering the amount of times i always kene tekan by the lecturer.

Like i mentioned in my blog months ago, she only meant well and only desired for us to get the marks that we worked for.

So really slaving away at my paper that i spent countless of night worrying on paid off!

On the flipside, i haven't gotten my grade for Research Methodology.

I've already made the calculations, even an estimation on the RM grade, and i'm not getting on that dean's list.

It just goes to show i'm just your average student.

But at least i know that i've worked hard on the grades.

Thanks to family and friends for support.

And Baby, thank you for being there always. Although your methods of making me concentrate on my studies left me a bit perplexed, i'm glad you did.

I love you.


Did i mention WE turned ONE on Monday?

Just for the kick of it, i prepared his lunch from Monday right thru till yesterday.

So it was lunchtime lovey dovey picnic for us. Hah.

I'm sure i made someone puke their lunch up after writing that.Hoho.

No grand presents, just quality time spent with each other.

I'm going to hate leaving this Sunday.


To my babes:

Really? We've known each other for 10 years? Gawd, i feel OLD.

I want CHALET, forget that i'm even broke.

Heheheh...


Fin.

Hmmmm...

I will never have peace writing this knowing that my father is behind me, watching me type this.

I made my second attempt at lasagne, and i am getting pretty good at it.

Hohoho.

I made chicken rice yesterday and the day before, i took my very first attempt at making asam pedas.

Honestly, malay cuisine is VERY difficult.

So is indian cuisine.

It is a perfect blend of spices and control of heat that make the food good.

Trust me.

Whatever Nigella and Jamie Oliver do, i can also do.

But to do an Asmah Laili is BEYOND me.

I have been trying to put my pics frm my hp into the pc/laptop but using the SD card adapter and plugging it into the pc also not working.

I dunno why the pc cannot detect my memory card.

So that is why there is a complete absence of photos in my blog as of late.

So i have no pics to show of my lasagne...

the already half eaten lasagne

Less than 3 hours to my exam results.

I feel like defecating just thinking about it.

Well enuf talking...more pics i say!

Arian gerls bday outing

LJS dinner...satisfied a craving

at sarah j's wedding

meet the newlyweds: sarah j. and erwan berori

Exco, exco and exco-ed

(thats me all red in the face suffering frm heat rash)

I hope this put an end to the monotony of all that writing.

Enjoy!

Fin.

Get OVER it.


Someone should realli be listening to katharine mcphee's song, Over It.

Realli,realli.

Stop living in the past and start living for today.

Some people instead of trying to rectify something, it becomes even more worse.

Grow up.

If it aint broke, you don't have to meddle with it.

Stop giving other people grief.

Even they've moved on.


Fin.

Copycat.


Sesetengah orang kat alam siber ni mmg suka sangat "men-copy" style orang lain eh?

Lepas tu, she tries to pawn it off as her own.

And coincidentally, she has names of friends that are just too similar to my ms. morientes.

And then she has so many spelling errors.

Maklumlah. Aku ni kan budak BENL, mata pun merah membaca.


I mean seriously, whoever buys a person a gift of a "heart pedal"

Cmon lah. Kalau tak tau spell pun, cuba sebut dulu, lepas tu spellchecker kan ader?

Option kan banyak.

Tak tau spell in english, spell it in malay can?

Comprende?

Oh better yet. Write it in MS word and then when u see the squiggly red line u can make the proper adjustments and then copy and paste to blogger.

See, who says im so bad?

I am sincerely trying to help the nation to improve the standard of english.


Wat i mean is...


BACK OFF *****!


Ok dah penat.

p/s: i do believe that congratulations are in order for the newly wed couple sarah jamaludin and erwan berori. Don't forget to come back after your honeymoon hor!


Fin.

Please help me!


Unbeknownst to some people. i am actually tucked away safe and sound at home.

Till the next week at least.

I have 7 days till the release of my results.

Oh god.

I am starting to feel all the butterflies in the tummy.

Anyway, i just wanted to see what was happening on the blogosphere.

On the contrary, having the wireless at home really has made me very lazy liao.

Cos its very leceh/ troublesome to have to pack and unpack the laptop.

So i just wait until the pc is free.

The birthday was bleargh

It doesn't get better as you get older.

The best things to happen was the surprise dinner party my roomies had for me.

Nice and tasty tomyam to go with my nasi goreng yongchow.

Yummy!

And then it was the movie date i had with my fellow Arian, Kho (aka my lesb partner) as she so affectionately put it. Harhar.

Thanks dear for that gorgeous and notty looking flower hehehehe.

I hope you enjoyed the chocolate cake!

All in all, i enjoyed the movie.

We caught The Namesake, a Jhumpa Lahiri book that both of us read.

It was made into a movie by Mira Nair.

I enjoyed her Monsoon Wedding but i wasn't particularly impressed with her take on Namesake.

Well, partly because i felt that the focus was shifted from Gogol to Ashima Ashok.

So i guess it just took the whole feel of the namesake away.

Well that is my personal opinion.

But i did enjoy Tabu's acting.

She's a real gem.

And Kal Penn, well, i feel that his role as Kumar in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle really immortalised Penn's character. So his take on Gogol didn't really envelop me.

Again, my personal opinion.

Maybe the whole problem is because i already read the book.

So there was a certain expectation that i needed from it.

Besides the movie, i have pretty much been at home and reading and cooking and watching tv and looking after the brother at home.

I went to Jurong East's library. I remember sneaking a peek at the Narayan range there and i felt that it deserved another look.

So this time, i picked up one chick flick and 3 Narayan titles.

The Guide rocked my socks so im hoping that the other books do the same for me too.

So, there's one more week till i get the results.

Oh darn.

Just one more week.

Then its less than 2 months that i'll be graduating!

Yikes!


Fin.

Bodoh sombong.


some people donno wat they say.

really.

i really wonder what the dictionary was made for.

SOMETIMES,

kalau dah salah tu salah lah.

arrrgghhhh.

and den padahal takde kene mengene dengan hidup orang tu.

wah kao. jeles ke pe tak dikutuk.

really frustrating!


that aside,

i met gorgeous katya from bavaria (thats in germany, for the rest of the population).

i rushed back by train last night.

i made it by a hair's breadth.

phew.

i didn't even meet katya until this morning when we woke up from (my-very-little) sleep.

somebody was really ROARING aka snoring!

the bunks on the train were really nice.

I hope to see u tomorrow katya!

auf wiederzein.


Fin.

Countdown...


4 down, 2 more to go.

BUMMER.

Oh well.

Whatever that gets me through this week.

Oh, the non-sleeping episodes are back!

Grrrrrr.

I can barely shut my eyes at night.

Time for Mr. Xanax to pay another visit tonight.

2 more days till the school holidays.


Sweet, sweet ecstasy...


Fin.

All the things i love...


Yes. i have made it back to kl again.

Nothing new.

3 more days of exams.

then i'll be free for 2 weeks.

hopefully 2 weeks of bliss.

my bday, then me & kho's bday movie treat and bday celebration

my anniversary (yipee!)

and a whole list of reading that i've already prepared to occupy myself with.

i've planned out some dishes that i'd like to try.

but right now, its those 3 papers i have to occupy myself with.

bummer.

oh well.

its back to the books and notes for world lit.


Fin.

Transmitted...


Al-Ghazali mentioned in his theory of mean (mean being the middle)

that to be a complete and whole person then one would require 4 things:

wisdom, justice, temperance and courage.

To my friends having a hard time out there, take these pearls of wisdom and use them to better your life.

InsyaAllah you will be rewarded.


On another note

i don't noe how to say it for fear of retaliation and harassment.

So i shall just keep quiet.

It is better to keep silent than say bad things at all.


Fin.

So much for...


the Xanax episode.

Once i got home i was sleeping like a baby.

Yeah, im home amidst the examination period.

Who couldn't do without a respite during an examination period?

It just so happened that i have a 7 day break in between.

So it was nice to come home and rest and relax and finally sleep like a proper human being.

I need sleep.

I am unable to function if i don't get at LEAST 4 hours of sleep.

Its called beauty sleep.

And the brain needs sleep to function at its best.

And i do so pride myself in being a brainiac.


Hah. Masuk bakul angkat sendiri nampak...no komen.


Its exhausting being back.

I havent been studying (baaaddd gerl)

I have been staying put at home though, save for yesterday when i went for an impromptu shopping trip with my mom.

I have been slaving away at the stove.

Okay maybe not slave.

I just enjoy being in the kitchen pottering around.

Too much of the Domestic Goddess in me.

When my mum's away at work i just naturally fill in that spot.

And Huda was (and still is) right. I am turning into my mother.

Don't know whether its too much of a good thing or too much of a bad thing.

At least if i am turning into my mom, im comforted of the fact that i'll be able to deliver a baby on my own.

Now that's another story for another day.

So i have been cooking for three days inclusive of today.<>
Wednesday: rice, kuah sardin and an omelette with fried veggies

Thursday: rice, tomyam, fried chicken and fried veggies again.

Today: Lasagne.

My virginal attempt at making lasagne. Not bad. I will have to practice boiling that pasta though.

Tomorrow i will relinquish and relegate all cooking duties back to mother dearest.

And now, back to my supposed study time. Tee hee hee.



Fin.

Xanax-ed


I know i said i would be away for some time but i just couldn't resist this very strong urge.

Especially when one has been sleep deprived for like 3 nights.

And mind you, i'm having sleepless nights during examination not by choice.

I'm definitely not the type to keep late nights and burning the midnite oil but unfortunately since i got to UIA, my body has reacted to examinations in this kooky manner.

I've only started to see the doctor as of last sem to get rid of the insomnia.

Trust me, you wouldn't want to see me.

I look worse than a wreck.

Lets see now


Xanax: noun
an antianxiety agent (trade name Xanax) of the benzodiazepine class.


Anxiety. Geez...

I wonder why i never ever felt anxious when i had to sit for the O's and A's.

I am so looking forward to get some shut eye tonight!

Bedtime will be at 10.30pm

That's the earliest i've been to bed.

Oh well, anything to keep me from falling asleep at my examination desk.


Fin.