Sunday, September 19, 2004

Choices, choices and more choices...

You know, when you were a kid your parents usually made the decisions for you...but as we grow older we tend to make our own decisions...

I remember as a kid my parents picked out what to wear, what to eat and which school to attend...even my secondary school was picked by my mom...all i had in mind was my dream school...so i put it at the top of my list and i didnt get in...but i was really glad to be in ahmad ibrahim sec...really, really glad...i made life-long friends there and they are really the people that are the backbone in my life...

So you see...parents decisions arent so bad...after all they have our best interest at heart...but to what extent do we let them make decisions for us?...even after my mom picked out my schools for me...she was kinda mad that i had entered all the schools based on her decision...i on the other hand thought she would be thrilled to see that i wanted to please her...i really didn't know at that point of time whether it was an act of obligation or not...needless to say...even picking out a junior college was based around my parents decision...not that i didn't have the same opinion about the school they had picked out...

Picking the university also involved some views by my parents...and once i didn't get into the universities of choice...THEY sprung into action...they picked out the next best uni for me...at that point i was really undecided...so i just said okay and i filled out those application forms...not once did i think i would make it to that instituition...after being accepted i was really sceptical...was i ever going to fit in?...-the thought of making friends all over again really tormented me-...was i ever going to assimilate into that kind of life?...something that my parents wanted me to be...naturally i rebelled...but that just didnt last long and it really didn't go down well for me...i hated the thought of not being able to please my parents after first announcing that i would reject the university's offer...i really put a lot of thought to it...and after much needling from both my paternal and maternal grandparents including my relatives i decided to leave home to study in KL...

So i am battling with a lot right now...i would say that my routine of travelling back and forth from KL to singapore every weekend is an act of rebellion because i didn't and never really wanted to be there...i guess that's why my mom doesn't really pull my ear about it...but where does this act of decision making stop with parents and their children?...its an age old question...something really to ponder about...im starting to wonder when my parents will stop making the decision for me...i have a feeling it will be the day i get married...only then will they let me make my own decisions...

Even if she does let loose the reins on decision making...i'm going to doubt the kind of decisions i make because my parents have always or most of the time been making the decisions for me...and they have been pretty accurate 90 percent of the time...i don't know whether my position as an eldest daughter and granddaughter (on both sides of the family mind you!) has anything to do about it but i guess it does...it puts that extra pressure on you to perform and set a gd example for your siblings and your younger cousins...i guess thats why my sister doesn't understand...i really envy the kind of freedom and im sometimes proud of her achievements...some stuff i don't get to do (and wouldn't have ever gotten a chance to do) she's already been there and done that...maybe she's young...sure, but really...when you think about it there's always pros and cons...but i would really love to be in her shoes...she's more independant than i am...and that's always something to envy...i on the other hand have dozens of pple watching me and wanting me to do well...so i really can't (and i doubt that i will) ever screw up...

So you see...its really hard to be me....


...i want people to see through my eyes...


This must be one of my more personal entries and i think it's done me a whole world of good...so please if anyone wants to leave a comment please do so...i'd love to hear your thoughts...

Toodles...