Saturday, January 31, 2009

Learning to Let Go.

One of the entries on my post on 25 Random Things on FB read:

I have increasingly been ridden with worry and high levels of anxiety of late.

Every night before i go to sleep, i end up worrying.

For a full 15-30mins.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in her book, Eat Pray Love, that she was one who had a monkey mind.

Meaning, she had thoughts that swung "from limb to limb". Swinging precariously and wildly without any discipline.

That's exactly what i experience just before i fall to sleep.

I can't seem to harness my thoughts and energies and tuck them aside for a good night's rest.

And when all these thoughts collate themselves, i end up feeling miserable. Like the swinging monkey, my thoughts and i fall from the heights and land in a pile of misery.

Thats when my Past crawls out from the deepest recesses of my mind to wreck havoc with my Present and my Future.

Making me feel like a worthless human being.

And sometimes when it gets really bad, i'll be drowning in a pool of tears before i drop off into a troubled slumber.

A friend said yesterday; "You've changed, quieter. You weren't like this last time."

I guess many things happened in the last 6 yrs to dramatically change my personality.

I know im just a shell now.

And im not who i used to be.

I'm just a memory of mySelf.